Fessing Up…

It’s time to come clean in blogland. When I thought about doing this blog, it was to document our adoption of a daughter from China. That process continues; we have our final homestudy visit scheduled in a week or so. We just put fences up all around the porch and deep-cleaned the carpets.

But it’s also true that I began this blog nearly a month ago, when we were in Las Vegas, encamped for 2 weeks at a hotel down the street from the IVF clinic, going through our second IVF procedure. I never mentioned it, partly because I wasn’t focused on it (believe it or not, I was pretty focused on the adoption), and partly because I believe it’s attracting bad juju to dissect this stuff while you’re in the midst of it. I was trying to practice a more zen way of handling subcutaneous shots, speculumated ultrasounds, blood draws, and aching ovaries.

Anyway. I am pregnant. Yep, that’s the big news. I actually had a + HPT on the 16th (my first ever double line) and then two betas confirmed it. My first beta, on the 16th, was 69–the RE said that was very high. He even had me worried about triplets for a couple days! Second beta, on the 18th, was 245. Still high numbers, more than doubling, but the RE thinks it’s twins, which I think is FANTASTIC. We’re really elated around here.

I have been trying to stay very positive, despite being haunted by the miscarriage. Today is the equivalent day to when I think I lost the pregnancy last time, although I didn’t start to bleed for three more days yet. I know this is a different pregnancy, the numbers are better, stronger, even accounting for the twins, and I have every chance in the world of delivering healthy babies. It’s just become so unreal to me over the course of a dozen years or so of trying (with some big gaps in there) that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

So…we still want to adopt. Even assuming the pregnancy goes to full term without complications. We are committed to the experience of adopting, and–as I’ve been saying all along–it’s a different room in the same house that is parenthood, and I want to live in that room too. It’s a much more expansive vision of my life when I include adoption in it and, having arrived there and having it feel like such a huge gift, I wouldn’t think of closing the door to it. Here’s to a full house!

I am feeling tired and have had some cramping (ligaments expanding), some headaches, a little bit of lightheadedness last Sunday and Monday, and some breast aching, although not as bad as the first time. I am grateful for this chance. So very grateful.

And now, you know about it too. How do you feel about Rowan and Madeline as names for girls? Or Owen and Samuel for boys? Unfortunately, if it’s a coed party in there, our favorite choices–Rowan and Owen–just aren’t going to cut it. We didn’t even recognize that they rhymed until we had already decided they were the faves. Oh, well. We are also mulling over Sophie (for my best friend), Georgia Rose, Calum (Callie), Kenna; and Benjamin for a boy. I used to be superstitious about discussing names at this very early point, but now I think it’s good to visualize what you want, good to feel the way NOW that you want to feel at the point you’ll be introducing your babies to their names for the first time.

Next time I’ll have to write about my visit with the intuitive reader. I’ve been holding out on you about that, too.