Patchwork
So, it’s June. I’m learning that I’m not posting on this blog as much as I thought I would, as much as I’d like. I’m reading a lot of other people’s blogs these days…but not getting around to keeping mine in tune with the times. I suspect that’s because life-things have shifted quite a bit in recent months. I’m doing one thing, thinking about one thing, blogging one thing, and then things shift. But I could attempt to gather together some pieces and update the blog that way…a bit like a patchwork quilt…
Patch #1: The first weekend in June, we drove to Durango (Colorado) for my stepson’s graduation from high school. Considering we spent a fair number of years wondering whether he would ever graduate, this was a momentous occasion.
He is 19-and-a-half, so a fair bit older than most graduating seniors, but he gave a wonderful speech (all the grads get to speak since the school is small and there were only 10 of them graduating this year). Several of the kids (including D.) had to negotiate the minefield of mixed families, including one graduate who had both his adoptive mom and his birth mom (who he called his “maiden mom”–or was it “made in mom”?) there. But everyone in our group behaved, and we got through it–not necessarily the most predictable outcome. I came into the family when D. was 12, and because of his mother’s violent behavior and alcoholism, his father had been awarded full custody in the divorce. So, it was stepmother mode from Day One for me. But D. is a good kid, who got lost in drugs and alcohol along the way–a combination of genetic predisposition perhaps and a difficult relationship with his mother, who continued to engage in some pretty abusive behavior toward her kids. In particular, I remember the day I picked up the phone extension and heard her screaming “loser, user, fucker” to D. over and over because he wouldn’t agree to do something she wanted him to do. Sigh. And so it goes. But we got through the weekend, and now D. returns back here to attend college in the fall. He’ll live in his own place, though, which I think will continue to provide him the independence he needs to foster his self-esteem.
Patch #2: We got the results back from our genetic testing of the “products of conception” recovered in the D&C. It was exactly as I had felt it was: 46, XX. Normal Female Karyotype. You can even go back and check me on this blog–when I first announced the miscarriage, I wrote down the baby as a “her.” I knew it was a girl, and I knew she was normal. I was very cautious to ask my OB before the D&C about whether I could trust a test result that came back “normal female”–I didn’t want to wonder whether they had tested MY tissue instead of the baby’s or the placenta’s. She assured me that I was late enough in the first trimester to yield the quantity of tissue needed to do an accurate evaluation. So, for me, I am confident this test result is accurate.
My RE is not so sure. He thinks there was still a genetic problem with the fetus that went undetected in the testing because he is so convinced my problem is poor egg quality from high-FSH and advanced age. I am having the tissue sent to another lab for a different sort of evaluation–an evaluation of whether an immunological problem–like a clotting problem–could have caused the “fetal demise.” I am not telling my RE about this additional consult, or about any testing they might have me do, or about any meds they might put me on. One of my IF internet friends commented to me that, “you know you’re an IF veteran when you start fibbing to your RE.” So, now I’m a veteran. No more newbie. No more amature. Twelve years trying to conceive (across two marriages) and one solid year of IF treatments gets me promoted.
Patch #3: We will attempt IVF #3 in August. Meds start in July. I am determined to be more relaxed this time, have a piece of chocolate, have a glass of wine.
Patch #4: I am thinking about the adoption all the time. I am thinking that whatever happens with the IVF really doesn’t matter because I will be a mother. I am thinking that the wait times are beginning to scare me they are getting so long. I had resigned myself to another Christmas without a child, but suddenly it’s possible that it might be TWO more Christmasses before we would go to China…the referral times are taking that long. Can I really manage to wait until 2008?
We had our fingerprints taken last Wednesday…this was the big-time, FBI-assessed set of prints that they take digitally on a computerized machine. It’s a little like having your fingers xeroxed. R. hated the very idea of Homeland Security being involved in getting our daughter. The fact that we need them to do this…but it is the LAST THING in the process. Once we get their approval (the I-171 form), then our dossier can go off to the CCAA at long last.
