Talking About Race…
So I spent a grand amount of o’bloggo space here recently presenting the ideas of Jane Brown, IA and diversity specialist, for your consideration because I wanted to share and because I wanted to get some stuff out on the table before I offered a couple of my own thoughts and ruminations…
and I want to spend a little time commenting on two of Brown’s more salient (and more controversial) points: (1) relocating to a more diverse environment to promote your daughter’s healthy racial identity; and (2) pursuing adult friendships and associations with people of color so that your daughter can observe her family in a diverse context within her own home–again to promote the formation of a healthy racial identity.
So, I live in Arizona. In a town of 300. On a ranch. Can you say White any louder than that? I think not. We have, from time to time, had some Latinos who lived in my little ranching community, but none at the moment. The bigger town (pop. 35,000) that I live about 1/2 hour away from is not much better. It is predominantly white, predominantly conservative, predominantly retired. There are persons of color (in the line at the bank yesterday, there was one black person, five white people, and one Hispanic, and the teller was black) in town, but they are unfortunately not a large presence. I attend a very progressive, liberal church (for my town), and there is only one person of color (a Latina) who is also a member there–Emme Lu will make two. When I was teaching full time at the community college, I was close friends with the only Asian on staff. She and I are still friends, but not as close as we used to be. We used to hang out at each other’s houses from time to time and on every break at work, but it’s become hard to keep those relationships up when I quit the job and moved 25 miles away (and she would probably be slightly suspicious if I suddenly tried to rekindle the friendship, given that she knows I’m adopting from China. Ahem.)
Many folks would consider the ranch to be an ideal place to raise a child. We have a lot of open space. It is full of learning opportunities, opportunities for play, opportunities to grow up in the natural world. There are boulders to climb, trails to hike, horses to learn to ride (well, not really, not yet; so far, that’s just my little fantasy), dogs to run free with, caves to explore, super secret hiding places down little paths. It reminds me a bit of my grandfather’s farm in the mountains of eastern Pennsylvania, which I absolutely loved to visit as a kid. I would make secret hiding places under the hemlock branches and scramble around in the orchard and the daylily beds for hours. It was a little like Nancy Drew on Walden Pond. I loved it, and I know that a child would love that same sense of hidden–and revealed–wonder about this place we live now.
And the larger town nearby is the Quintessential Small Town Experience in many respects. It is known as “America’s Home Town” and “Arizona’s Christmas City” (yeah, I know, gag me), and is a so-called “Mainstreet Community,” according to the National Association for Historic Preservation. It’s pretty. The marble courthouse that sits in the middle of the town square was the model for the courthouse with the famous clock in the “Back To the Future” movies. It’s Quintessential Quaint. Young families MOVE HERE, for god’s sake, to soak up all that small-town gracious living. Ahem.
But the argument to provide your child with a racially diverse community of peers and adults is compelling to me. It seems like a no-brainer way of showing her that her dad and I are just one of many possible races, as she is one of many possible races. It’s like a diffusion of emotion or energy. Hopefully, Emme Lu won’t have to throw all her energy or emotion into Being White Just Like Her Parents if she grows up seeing that being White is just one of many ways of being. Being Asian is one of many ways of being. Being Black is one of many ways of being. Being Hispanic is one of many ways of being. It’s inevitable, of course, that she will still experience a more murky racial identification than say, I did, because her primary role models–her parents–won’t be the same race as she is. But I think the key here is numbers, as Brown implies. Given enough diversity, and given the verbal cues and the space to express her thoughts about race, she hopefully will be able to come to terms with her multiracial family as a microcosm of the larger multiracial community.
And so we need to move. To a multiracial community. So that her multiracial family feels like an obvious extension of the kinds of community she sees and experiences around her. Otherwise, I worry her family will always seem more like an exception, rather than a rule. And it IS an exception, of course. Most families aren’t made through adoption, let alone through transracial adoption. And I’ll be comfortable talking to her about how damn exceptional, how special, her family really is. But I also know that all the words and reassurances in the world from her parents aren’t going to resolve the issues she’ll experience on a day-to-day basis, negotiating life as the lone Asian in her class. Or at the birthday party. Or worse yet–at the family barbecue that her parents host for their friends, not one of whom is a person of color (unless my half-Japanese American friend comes, of course). Because that’s the current reality.
So, we’re eyeing San Diego in the next few years. R.’s new job is taking him in that direction anyway, so it seems a logical solution. Now…making friends with many people of color (which is one of Jane Brown’s nonnegotiable pieces of advice) is more tricky. I have had good friends in the past that represented many different races, many different cultures. My best friend for the past 20 years is Indian (as in, subcontinent), but she lives in…duh…India. R. is part-Native American, but he will be the first person to tell you that he doesn’t count because he “passes” as white every day of his life. It’s not something he has to negotiate externally, so he doesn’t think it’s fair to claim it. (That he negotiates it internally is another story.) Living in this part of Arizona has not been conducive to having a racially diverse group of friends, that’s certainly true.
And most important: I don’t want ANYONE to think that I’m befriending them just because I have an Asian American daughter and need to surround myself and my family with people of color for my daughter’s benefit. I mean, WTF? No one has to take me on as a charity case or a good works project. I want friends. I don’t want agendas. I HATE the idea that I would be perceived as trying to rack up the multiracial friends so that I can claim to be providing my daughter The Rainbow Experience. Fucking Yuck.
I suspect this is why Brown is considered so controversial by the IA/FCC establishment. She challenges you to think in ways that immediately send you out of your comfort zone. Because we have a problem with racial integration in this country. We just do. And it’s hard to come face to face with that reality and figure out what to do about it. Most of the time, we don’t do anything about it. MOST of us (not all) associate with people who look like us, think like us, eat like us, and so forth. Not by choice, necessarily, but just because that’s the way the world falls out around us, and we do little to challenge ourselves out of those ruts. And now, as adopting parents, we’re at a crossroads.
One of many topics I need to work through.
She has a lot of great and out of the box ideas. Some that yes, did challenge me, mainly because the idea of trying to find people not like me seemed artificial. I need to sort it out.
But I agree with the concept 100%. I’ve thought of it weekly since we decided against Russia and for China, I knew I had to come to terms withthe whiteness of our friends but also in a great way in our family. Their whiteness is not jsut external, it’s a way of thinking, a way of life, that scares the hell out of me and makes me think that some people who ’should’ be central in Magpie’s life will be soem of the most dangerous to have in her life due to the ‘undercurrents’.
I struggle with how to dramatically change our friendships with new people. My only CLOSE non-white friend is my best friend from when I was 10, we’re still incredibly close, sometimes even vacation together, but one Chinese friend is not the village of support that our daughter needs and deserves… oh crap, I’m leaving a mega comment. sorry.
but obviously, this weighs on my mind and it’s something the wait will help give me time to work through more thoroughly.
Thanks.
Comment by: lisa - 12.06.2006 - 7.47 pm
That was the point that bothered my husband and me a bit, too, for the same reasons you stated. It seems really fucked up to go out and make friends specifically for the purpose of having them in your daughter’s life. What kind of lesson would that really teach your child about making friends and interacting with people? I get the importance of adult role models that are culturally diverse, but not under some forced situation.
I appreciate you sharing your living situation as well. The town you are living in now seems like our dream town, getting away from a lot of people and urban life. But I know now that the need for cultural diversity in the town is really important. My goal is to find a compromise–somewhere that is diverse but is also a little removed from city life (we still miss our days in remote Alaska and yearn for some solitude now and then:) Good luck with your decision–and I hear San Diego is beautiful!
Comment by: Aimee - 12.06.2006 - 7.49 pm
Hard call because for some folks, just up and moving can be a very, very hard thing to do. We are locked into jobs. We will move when and where a job takes us with little flexibility. Though, we would both seriously consider San Diego (been there lately? Kinda very white, but definately diverse like LA feels).
I think staying here would be the worst for exposure for our daughter. Everyone is white here. That is it. I used to live in SFran and I loved being a minority there. I lived in the Castro and as a single woman, I was definately a minority within that community. And, being a little less visible was really nice.
We will see where the road takes us. But, I dont think we have options yet to create a perfectly looking world for our daughter. We may have to settle on lots of family trips.
Comment by: Nicole - 12.06.2006 - 9.43 pm
Or, you could just move down the hill! It’s a lot more diverse down here! And that way I could “use” all the new Asian friends you make for us, because I don’t look forward to making new friends IN GENERAL, let alone specifically ENGINEERED friends to have around for the kiddo. Guess we need to reconnect with our (adult male) KAD friend (poor guy was adopted by Christian Scientists!). Great guy. Unfortunately, his Peruvian wife cut him off from all of his friends from his life before her… sigh.
Comment by: atomic mama - 12.06.2006 - 10.29 pm
Oh yes, the “engineered friends.” I’ve thought about that too. The Chinese-American family is really cool, so I don’t feel that way about them. There is one Black family I know of in our little White town. They have tons of kids and are very nice, but I don’t really know them. My one thought when I saw all their kids was BABYSITTERS! I would have thought that no matter what their color, but I have to admit their color is a benefit. Weird. I’ve become so color-conscious.
Comment by: Maggie - 12.07.2006 - 10.21 am
Great blog series, SBird, with much food for thought. What the Goober and I have going for us on this is that the Goobie, though white, is from another country. My daughter and I will be the only Americans in the house while Daddy will retain his (European) citizenship and funny accent; Daddy will be the odd-man out, so to speak. The Goob is also going to teach our daughter his mother-tongue; we want to raise our daughter as bi-lingual. So while we don’t currently have many friends from other races, our daughter will grow up knowing that people come to America via different routes.
Comment by: walternatives - 12.07.2006 - 11.50 am
Thanks, everyone, for the comments. I was hoping for longish comments because I think this is such an important, but tough, subject. Jane Brown definitely addressed people’s reluctance to “engineer” racially diverse friendships in the workshop I attended with her…she basically said, “get over it.” She told a story of meeting a black woman in an airport who had the same ring on as Brown did, so she approached her, discovered that they both live in Phoenix, then discovered that they both have jobs as diversity consultants, and now they are friends. Her point was, “stop whining and get going.” Ya think this is why she’s so controversial?
We would rather be in San Francisco than San Diego (and discussed the possibility), but the plane rides down south for R. would just be too much. The palm tree farm is in the low desert east of San Diego, so we’ll end up in San Diego or Palm Springs in two years or so. My in-laws live in San Diego now, so we’re there quite often, and there is an Asian district and school systems in certain areas that offer quite a diverse racial mix. So, that’s the plan. We never could have done this, of course, had we stayed in academia, where the annual job market drives your decisions about where to live. And I will really miss the desert mountains.
Comment by: SBird - 12.08.2006 - 10.19 am
I love SF better than any city out there, but I sure dont love the earthquakes. San Diego is grand, but definately pricey these days.
Comment by: Nicole - 12.09.2006 - 1.35 pm
Interesting take on the “engineering” of friends and I’m glad to hear her say that. I’ve felt weird about it, but also wonder if all our friendships aren’t engineered in some way. If we truly like each other, should it really matter?
Comment by: Maggie - 12.09.2006 - 2.09 pm
Again, late, but just wanted to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed these posts. The one thing I feel uncomfortable about is the making friends of different races just for the sake of having friends of different races. I mean, how does one do that? Um, hey you….. I need more Black/Hispanic/Asian friends, would you please hang out with me? Awkward. But now that I’m actively thinking about it, maybe I’ll recognize more potential friend situations that present themselves and take advantage?
Comment by: Jacquie - 12.09.2006 - 5.56 pm
Even though we live in the SF/Bay Area, an extrememly diverse locale as you know - this is still an issue. Yes, we have the diversity, but making friends with others seems so much harder as we age. Recently we had an opportunity to connect with a Chinese couple. I was very excited! But, ya know, it was a flop. A heartbreaking flop. I felt that they didn’t like us. I felt like I’d done something wrong…even though the lunch was delicious & everyone said so. Still nobody asked for anybody’s number or even pretended to plan to get together afterward. After much rumination, I wondered if it may have been slightly related to my heartfelt desire to become friends with them b/c of their race…and not because of some true, innate connection of our sameness. That may sound strange, but, really…how do you decide who you want to become friends with anyway? This was extremely new and “first date-ish”, but to be honest, I’d held that desire in my heart when i’d invited them over for lunch. I thought, “Well, we have the adoption thing in common…the agency thing in common…the location thing in common…why wouldn’t we be friends?” I don’t think that i took into consideration the differences in culture, or the effect that the unsaid desires to connect due to race might have had upon my seemingly innocent invite to lunch may have had?
Comment by: wzgirl - 12.09.2006 - 11.39 pm
As one of the “targeted members” of the race Jane Brown says you need to rub elbows with, I think I would feel uncomfortable and…well, a bit “used”. What about the feelings of the person Jane Brown is trying to become buds with? I’d feel like…ummm, you wouldn’t have given me a second thought, except I have slanted eyes.
I would say, I find this offensive(!), but I don’t. I find it (the thoughts of Jane Brown) something that may have worked FOR HER, but…maybe she does live that PC lifestyle.
I, on the other hand, want friendships to be formed for reasons other than physical traits first.
Ask “R”. If someone came up to him and said, “Hey, I need to form friends with some Native Americans. How ’bout it?” What’s the first thoughts from his head on this?
Comment by: Johnny - 12.10.2006 - 7.48 am
I’ve thought about this a lot. It’s very disturbing to me to “target” people for friendship, especially when (like Atomic Mama) you find it hard to make friends to begin with!
One advantage we have up the hill from you (I do think I “know” you from our local email list!) is that the university is partnering with a lot of Chinese colleges and there’s a growing population of Asian folks, so the friendship making opportunities are greater and less forced.
My husband is trying to wangle a way in his agency to get a position in China for a few years; this will take a while, though. He’s also working in a volunteer civil rights position in his agency, so he is getting quite a collection of API friends…unfortunately, they are scattered around the country, or down in Phx.
A couple who was on our adoption trip is signing up to teach English in China next year, an opportunity that is difficult for many, but they have jobs that they can segue back into when they return.
We do tend to become locked into our insular worlds, and one of the great values of having adopted our dotter is that we’ve been forced to peek out of our world and see that there’s more out there.
As for JB–sigh. I find her “my way or the highway” approach very off-putting.
Comment by: OmegaMom - 12.13.2006 - 7.52 am
I caught the link from Johnny, where I lurk. It is easy to see why her ideas are controversial. My hubs and I are white. I was born in the US and he is from Scotland. Funny accent and all. My daughter is not white. She is a Pacific Islander, Samoan, with beautiful brown skin and huge dark eyes. We live in the very diverse SF/Bay Area. Our city is extremely diverse with a large Asian, Filipino, Indian, Afghan, Hispanic, and AA population. We are fortunate enough to also have a large Pacific Islander population in the area, but not specifically in our city. That said, are we good friends with many people of color? No, not really. She has friends of all ethnicities at school, which is different. My daughter takes Polynesian dance lessons and her teacher is Samoan. There are many Samoans in the Halau that we are friends with, but we still are not close personal friends with them. I taking drumming lessons there and have gotten to know many better than before, but other than performances, festivals and such, we don’t really socialize together. Through various activities, we’ve made other Samoan friends, but don’t see them very often. I thought it was some flaw in me, but after a few experiences I came to realize that a large part of it has to do with our cultural backgrounds and how we were raised. There are many things we simply don’t have in common, past or present.
I’ve given up feeling guilty that we are not more socially integrated than we are. I would welcome having more friends of color. Heck, I would welcome more friends, period. Most of my good friends are either my family or a group that lives about an hour away so we don’t get together that often. While the thought of engineering relationships is very unappealing to me, and my “engineering” skills apparently suck, I have made some effort. And I do wonder if like a previous commenter said it has something to do with the underlying vibe of the connection being due to ethnicity, rather than a true, personal connection. The local Islander community has been very welcoming, but I lack many of the experiences they have.
At this point, my daughter has good connections with people of her culture and has been exposed to different types of families to some degree. We’ve met the infamous M3 and several families at one of M3’s adoptive parents picnics. Yes, we were the only family with a Samoan child rather than Chinese, but that is mostly because our adoption is relatively rare. Would Ms. Brown find this ideal? Probably not. But it seems to be working for us.
Comment by: Michaela - 12.13.2006 - 2.12 pm
I simply do not agree with Jane Brown’s concept of “friendship”. While I think we all choose our friends for a myriad of different reasons (some reasons well understood by us,some not), Brown’s approach strikes me as both callous and in-authentic. I just don’t see my fellow travelers upon this planet as put here to fulfill my agenda….no matter how nobly I may frame that agenda. The level of self-interest this would take, the idea of building a friendship on this motivation, this objectifying of another human being, all of this is fundamentally wrong to me. Maybe this could work if you entered into the relationship by sharing your motivation from the get-go. I don’t know. Sadly,it all reminds me of the type of woman who, somehow, can only fall in “love” with rich men. Bleeech.
Now,we happen to operate within somewhat diverse circles and yes,we have long term friends who are not white. Real and authentic friendships … just the kinds of friendships that I want my future daughter to enjoy. What I don’t want is to show her a world where I use people.
Comment by: Barbara Noblog - 12.18.2006 - 12.37 am