Change of Plans…
So, The Bee and I didn’t go to the loooooowwwwww desert after all. No palm tree farm. A good thing, as it turned out, since when R. arrived at the little house at the farm, the AC was once again dead on its proverbial feet and the thermometer was reading 120 in the shade. A toddler disaster averted.
As an alternative, The Bee and I stayed home, where it was/is 98 in the shade, and in three days got to experience the following. No, I shit you not:
+ Heimlich Maneuver. That would be me, performing it on The Bee. No shit. I peel and cut her apple in tiny pieces every single time, but, on this day, she still choked on one. Second time I did the big squeeze, out flew the apple. Purpling cheeks returned to normal. Mama puts toddler down for the night and promptly makes a gin and tonic. Only one. I promise.*
+ Phlebotomist Hell. Okay, people. How many phlefuckingbotomists does it take to put a needle in my little girl’s arm? Apparently, four. FOUR. Oh, and BOTH arms. Digging around with needles for veins they couldn’t find if one had jumped out and lassoed their necks. Hmmmmmm. That’s a rather disturbing image. Okay, you try to describe what this scene is like with a newly-adopted toddler screaming her bloody-murder head off on your lap.
+ Scorpion Shower. So, The Bee and I have taken to showering together. It saves time; it guarantees that both mother and daughter get to be clean; it provides The Bee with healthy attitudinal skillz when it comes to the naked body (even if Mom’s attitude in that area sucks); it demands skin-to-skin contact, which helps to promote attachment; and it’s fun for Mom and The Bee alike.
So, The Bee is playing with various and sundry sundries on the floor of said shower while Mom washes her hair, when some bottle or another slips out of her needy toddler hand and The Bee, who is squat-sitting, reaches for it–and slips and slides. She starts to wail. I look down and see It. IT. One inch from her general leg area. A scorpion. On the floor of the bathtub. While we’re taking a shower. OMG. You have never seen anyone scoop a baby up and get out of a shower so fast in all your life. I, of course, am wondering whether the scorpion stung her, and she slipped and wailed as a result of some life-threatening pre-historic horror-film-worthy creature, or whether The Sighting was (amazingly) coincidental. Turns out, it was Amazingly Coincidental. The Bee is clueless about why I’m looking all over her precious, precious, unpunctured skin. She is fine.
I beat the living daylights out of The Creature with a shoe.**
+ The Thousand-Dollar Foxtails. Our third dog in three months needed to be put under anesthesia to extract a frickenfracken single pointy foxtail seedpod from her ear. That put us up over the big 1,000 in weed surgeries this year, and it’s only June. CRAP. By the way, this operation took place during the time that the rotten phlebotomists weren’t doing their jobs on The Bee. But that wasn’t the worst of the three days, as you can now see.
And all this happened whilst R. was away. Natch.
*Requisite disclaimer clause: no, I do not drink to excess or even to moderation when I am caretaking for my daughter. Nothing to see here. Shoo.
**Remember that latent anger my acupuncturist had sussed out? Hmmmmmmm…I say it’s a damn good thing. I felt like I could have conducted a seminar on the fight or flight response that day.
In three days time? Good gawd.
The Heimlich thing? I’ve so been close a couple of times. Scares the ever-loving crap right outta me. And once was with teeny tiny cut-up pieces of apples, the seeds of the devil.
Comment by: Jacquie - 06.27.2007 - 6.10 pm
Oh. My. Gawd. You poor thing! That’s like the trifecta of toddler/mommy horrors! I have yet (knock on wood) to have to use the Heimlich, and the very thought gives me the screaming willies. Scorpions give me the screaming willies, too, and I am with you on “beating the living daylights” out of them with shoes. Poor Bee, with the blood-draws…I’m sorry! And foxtails–ugh.
Comment by: OmegaMom - 06.27.2007 - 6.13 pm
Holy crap, Woman! That’s just not right! Any one of those things would send me over the brink. I can’t believe you didn’t drink the whole friggen bottle of gin. I once had to do the pharangial (sp?) sweep and the over the legs pop in the back to keep Sugarlips from dying. NOT COOL. That’ll leave a long impression! So sorry!
OH and the apples thing. Same thing with my nephew. Those apples are evil.
And the scorpion thing. Shudder.
And the blood draws? Its a nightmare. I had to hold her down with every ounce of my strength while she screamed and wailed (she was only 11 months old) and they poked and missed. She got so stressed that her blood pressrue dropped and her veins flattened out. Maybe that’s what happened to the Bee? I decided that I don’t friggen need to know what level of thalassemia she has (obviously mild form) until she’s much, MUCH older. I don’t ever want her to look at me that way again. Its. Not. Right.
Comment by: christie - 06.27.2007 - 7.06 pm
Yikes! I still get the cobblies over scorpions. Nasty things used to climb into my boots in Honduras…brrrrrr.
OH, and my experience is that there’s nothing a kidlet can’t find a way to choke on. Our little guy got an ice cube stuck and I had to hang him upside down to get it out!
Sure hope things are going better now…
Comment by: FDChief - 06.28.2007 - 6.02 am
Bloody hell. In retrospect, maybe no A/C at the palm tree farm would have been safer and less eventful??? Glad the Bee made it through those trials unscathed. Of course, you’ll probably be wearing the scars for a long while, yes?
So, no apples until the 4th grade here.
And fuck about ANOTHER foxtail surgery. Can you do a little proscribed burn at the ranch? Haha. Ha?
Comment by: atomic mama - 06.28.2007 - 6.31 am
Damn. You’re like SuperWomanMom now. Didn’t take you long.
Comment by: wzgirl - 06.28.2007 - 8.06 am
OMG. I don’t whether to cry or laugh! I’m happy things all turned out well- phew. The choking thing is so scary…
Comment by: Carolyn - 06.28.2007 - 5.12 pm
Oh my, I think I need a G&T after reading about your day. Nothing like getting broken in to mommy life in the fast lane. Glad all ended up being ok.
Comment by: M - 06.28.2007 - 6.15 pm
No hemilich just the sharp solid slap on the back to get that food up.
The other stuff is crazy! Scorpion, I can’t live where you do, I freak over our stupid camel crickets!
I checked out the other blog and I can’t get over how adorable Em is. I mean she is glowing and happy and soo sweet and pretty. I know…that is alot. I wish her surgery goes quickly and everything with her ears works itself out!
—J
Comment by: Jenny - 06.28.2007 - 6.43 pm
Holy Cramolies! You have had quite a week of it! I’m right there with you on the little gin & Tonic or whatever makes you smile after that sort of week! Yikes!!! Glad that Everyone is safe & sound and…even if a little bruised from the rotten phlebotomists…hapy again!
Comment by: Kelli - 06.28.2007 - 7.34 pm
Okay, so I need to read your blog BEFORE I send you e-mail next time.
Holy shit! The Heimlich?! I am the world’s hugest freak about choking. I’ve whacked my kids on the back at the mere hint of choking, and have even had to swipe my finger through their mouths a time or two, but the thought of actually having to perform The Maneuver makes me shudder.
Phelbotomists suck. Scorpions too.
Comment by: jse - 06.28.2007 - 7.55 pm
OH, yes foxtails. My puppy just had two removed, one from his ear and one from up his nose. HATE those things.
Glad to hear all is well at the ranch (despite the scorp, the a/c, the diverted trip, the needles, the life-saving……..way to hang in there, by the way)
Comment by: operation tigerlily - 06.28.2007 - 10.22 pm
Jeez Louise - What’s that stupid cliche? “Save the drama for your Mama.” And Mama, you had waaaay too much drama in three days. Thousand-dollar foxtails and scorps and Heimlich and multi-sticks? I am so so sorry. Buy the half-gallon size, I’d say.
Comment by: walternatives - 06.29.2007 - 4.15 pm
What an eventful few days. My head is spinning just reading about it. That Heimlich is a handy thing, though. Had to do it once and I still thank the stars that I had to learn it every summer… Hugs to the Bee.
Comment by: Mrs. Vandertramp - 06.30.2007 - 8.56 am